COUPLES THERAPY THAT WORKS IN LONDON

#COUPLESTHERAPY • Canwillbebetter™ – YOUR NEW SOURCE OF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND COUNSELLING IN LONDON

ARE YOU A COUPLE LOOKING FOR IMMEDIATE PROFESSIONAL HELP AND SUPPORT?

Are you in need to save your relationship and need a professional to guide you through this difficult process?

Maybe your relationship has been under stress and pressure for a long time? Or perhaps you struggle as a couple with difficult problems like adultery, issues such as trust and distrust, finding it hard to be vulnerable and connect at a deeper level, simply wanting reconciliation, forgiveness and happiness?

In couples therapy, we focus on how the past remains alive in the present in a manner that is rigid, destructive and not conducive to healthy and secure relationships. We then provide opportunities to integrate and heal these obstacles in order to achieve whatever might be the vision or goal for the relationship.

We are biologically organized to seek and maintain attachments with others through which we learn the lessons of love, inter-dependence and trust.

Adult intimate relationships are often defined by emotional responsiveness – when needs for closeness, support and security are either met or not met. Attachment security occurs when partners can provide comfort and support to one another during emotionally difficult times.

COUPLES THERAPY CAN HELP WITH PROBLEMS SUCH AS:

  • You and your partner experience that you keep arguing without understanding why and how you end up there?
  • Communication between you and your partner fails leading to continuous conflicts and you both struggle to understand the dynamics underlying this?
  • Do you struggle to be open and honest with each other as none of you feel safe to show vulnerability making it hard to connect emotionally at a deeper level?
  • You experience fear of rejection, abandonment and criticism and being judged by your partner?
  • Difficulties showing feelings and expressing emotions, getting closer to each other and forming a deeper connection
  • Problems with trust and intimacy after an affair
  • There are things you hide from each other and need help to tell the truth
  • There is hurt and pain in the relationship to unresolved matters from the past which you find hard to move beyond
  • You want professional help to reconcile and move towards accepting and forgiving

We unconsciously are attracted to people who allow us to revisit our childhood issues in an attempt to get it right. Within lies the hope for healing and feeling complete

COUPLES THERAPY AND COUNSELLING CAN BE THE BEST INVESTMENT FOR YOU AS A COUPLE

Studies show that the level of marital happiness is the strongest predictor of overall life satisfaction

Couples counseling and therapy can help in a variety of ways. The most common problems couples seek help for are problems with communication, getting help to understand the root cause of ongoing conflicts and destructive patterns of behavior. Sometimes, seeking help can be about needing professional and neutral advice in regard to significant decision making about the relationship or how to manage and overcome difficulties together in general. In some cases, couples might seek help while undergoing truly challenging events, like separation and divorce or dealing with a traumatic loss.

It is truly hard to deal with relational problems alone. Being emotionally invested and involved makes it hard to hold on to an objective stance.
We are here to guide you through this process in a safe, containing and confidential way.

We can provide you as a couple with efficient tools and coping skills to handle any conflict in a constructive way as well as helping towards resolving relationship dynamics that can be destructive and toxic

The experience we have with our caregivers and our early life experiences become the lens through which we view our self-worth and our capacity to be empathic, caring, and genuine. As children, our parents are the “all powerful” center of our universe. If they think badly of us, then it must be true and we come to feel that way about ourselves.  A child has no perspective from which to cast doubt on this assessment. We then “internalize” their negative opinion and incorporate it into our view of ourselves. If we were regularly criticized or demeaned we can easily develop a damaged sense of self-worth.

When we enter into relationships as adults, both partners bring along all their unresolved conflicts, fears, hurts and expectations. There is a strong tendency to recreate relationships from childhood with our adult partners. At times, these can be neglectful, hurtful and even abusive. These old dysfunctional patterns become indistinguishable from current emotional triggers from the present. A stacking of emotions can occur whereby an event in a current relationship triggers the unleashing of old feelings and reactions, creating a confusion of powerful old hurts and new ones.
If our emotions in a situation are disproportionate to the provocation, we are probably bringing up an old hurt.

The tendency to unconsciously attract relationships that reenact past conflicts and beliefs is called repetition compulsion.

We have an intrinsic drive to repeat familiar patterns, no matter how painful or self-defeating, which is very powerful. For example, adult children of alcoholics frequently marry alcoholics, and an abused child with a high tolerance for maltreatment may grow up and attract high levels of stress and conflict in his/her marriage.

Partners commonly have differences in their attachment styles and internal working models (belief systems). These working models, based on past relationships, guide their current perceptions and construction of reality

WHY DO COUPLES THERAPY?

The primary goal of treatment is positive change – new choices, perspectives, options, behaviors, coping strategies, and relationships. The primary outcome is a more flexible approach to oneself and relationships.

The absence of secure attachment creates considerable distress, resulting in vulnerability to a variety of physical, emotional, social and moral problems. Attachment experiences and patterns extend into adult life, and influence:

  1. Feelings of security
  2. Personal meaning given to experiences and relationships
  3. The ability to develop and maintain close affectional bonds
  4. Conflict and feelings of isolation commonly experienced by couples.

Our closest relationships can give us some of life’s greatest happiness and satisfaction … before they begin to break down. The truth is, however, that in order for a relationship to succeed over time, real challenges are needed over time! A relationship that is safe can also become too safe, as there is a danger that each individual will stagnate and not be able to progress further within the relationship! On the other hand, if you as a couple most often experience only challenges, conflicts and complex relational dynamics and little emotional security, it can also be a threat to the relationship over time. You can then end up in a never-ending and self-perpetuating cycle about who is right and wrong, instead of meeting halfway with the hope that there is a place between right and wrong where you could meet!

To be successful in relationships, we must also learn how to blend our differences. When couples fall in love, differences are easily tolerated, and both work hard to please each other. However, as we become more familiar and the stresses of life take their toll, our best behavior is quickly eroded. Soon our little differences become annoyances and our predominant attachment style emerges.

Partners commonly have different styles, which guides their attitudes and behaviors in relationships. We often attempt to change the other person to fit more comfortably with our own beliefs. This rarely works.

If you as a couple experience that you as a starting point have a good potential to achieve something unique, but have not managed to figure out how to get there, couples therapy can help you make the most of these potentials within the relationship. A good starting point is when you as a couple have a good compatibility, that is, you feel like you are a good match. A good match will mean that you are quite similar in some regards but also different in other areas at the same time. There is a sense of completing each other.

GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT: A GUIDE FOR COUPLES

According to Harville Hendrix, PhD (www.harvilleandhelen.com), Getting the Love you want: A guide for couples, it’s the “picture (image) of the partner who can make one complete and whole again” (image meaning imago in Latin), as in the complex picture of early childhood caregivers.  Imago theory implies that we seek for partners who have the potential to help us complete unfinished matters from childhood. Our adult relationships and conflicts seem familiar because they remind us of our early caregivers. These relationships give us new opportunities to heal and transform previous wounds and finding deep relational fulfillment. But this remains an opportunity, not a guarantee.

Hendrix writes:
Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of “aliveness and wholeness” restored by someone reminding us of our early caregivers.
In other words, we are looking for someone who reminds us of our early caregivers.

So when we fall in love and the world is suddenly perceived as a safe and better place, our old brain tells us that we have found someone who can finally help meet our needs. Unfortunately, since we do not understand what is happening, we are shocked when the terrible truth of our dear surfaces and our first impulse is to escape from the situation.

We have as an overall goal to help couples work towards a more successful relationship where both parties feel stronger together as well as individually! The wish to begin in couples therapy is for many about the desire to manage to move forward, get professional help to put the past behind, not to miss the present and to create a future together!

It seems to be an illusion to believe that it is not normal for relationships to suffer from increasing pressure at times, especially in everyday life. Unaddressed problems and unresolved emotional conflicts can easily contribute to experiences of tension and stress over time, which can make each partner feel exhausted, depressed, desperate, and develop lower self-esteem and lack of confidence. When a relationship is at the breaking point, separation or divorce may seem the only option. However, talking through problems with an experienced professional psychologist individually as well as together at times of crisis can help you get to the core of conflicts and re-learn how to appreciate each other’s experiences, thoughts and feelings and preventing things to escalate further.

COUPLES THERAPY – OUR APPROACH

We assist couples in developing healthy confrontation, powerful problem solving and conflict management skills

  • Evidenced-based Experiential Approach
    We offer an Evidenced-based Experiential Approach
    Insight and intellectual understanding is not necessarily enough to change. Our feelings rule our interactions and determine our attitudes, judgments, and perceptions. We provide a safe, collaborative and confidential environment in which to cut through defenses and try out new more productive behaviors.
  • Tailor-made
    We develop a tailor-made program to meet the couple´s specific needs through on-going assessment and treatment.
  • Integrative approach
    We offer an integrative approach to treatment in order to meet the couple´s specific needs for treatment
  • Step-by-step process
    We develop a step-by-step process to help you achieve your relationship goals set
  • Learn Relationship Skills
    We emphasize the teaching of skills that enhance the couple’s ability to work out their differences in a healthy way.
  • Resolve Old Grief
    Resolve Old Grief through getting help with acceptance and reconciliation
    We often need to go through a process of grieving our childhood losses and pain in order to properly move into adult roles. Otherwise, we bring these unresolved feelings into our intimate relationships. We offer an opportunity for healing and mastering the original hurts rather than re-enacting them by withdrawing or attacking.
  • Communication Training
    Effective communication is a key ingredient in successful relationships. We provide the conditions and structure necessary to create safe and constructive confiding, opening and connecting. This is accomplished by practicing sharing and listening skills, which increases positive patterns of interacting. Being attuned to one another’s needs and feelings promotes empathy, warmth and genuineness.

COUPLES THERAPY – WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?

We assist couples in developing healthy confrontation, powerful problem solving and conflict management skills

Couples will come to therapy for a period of several weeks or months, often intensively over a shorter period of time for both parties. But if you want to have an individual time alone before meeting up again as a couple, this can also be arranged. We advise to begin with one individual session for each part before beginning working in therapy as a couple.

It is possible to have an initial exploratory consultation with us to see if this is something you would like to continue with. It is possible to come individually as well as a couple as we offer flexible terms for our psychological services.

During the first consultation, we will take a brief survey of the problems you experience struggling with, primary symptoms, and a general history of the relationship. We will discuss the expectations you have for therapy, what changes you want and what goals and visions you want to achieve. As a couple, you can be asked by the psychologist about issues such as:

  • What challenges and problems do you experience in the relationship?
  • How long have these problems been present in the relationship and when did they start?
  • What was happening around the time of onset of these problems? Was there any triggering event or episode?
  • Have you ever been in relationship counseling or couples therapy before? How did it work for you
  • What have you and your partner done to try to solve these problems?
    What are your expectations for the couples therapy?
  • What changes are desired?

OUR BASIC PRINCIPLES FOR COUPLES THERAPY:

We assist couples in developing healthy confrontation, powerful problem solving and conflict management skills

Attachment styles learned in our early years can be changed. We provide appropriate corrective emotional experiences whereby more “secure” attachment styles can be learned. These modifications can redefine the couple’s relationship in many significant ways. Learning to create a healthier relationship provides an arena to heal old wounds and to establish a meaningful bond for the future.

With us, you as a couple are the client.

In couples therapy, we focus on the present and the future and avoid spending a lot of time with the past!

We are very conscious of not becoming a person’s ally in couples therapy and it is important to us that couples can feel confident that the psychologist does not take sides in therapy. Instead, couples will find that the psychologist remains neutral and helps you to explore in a containing manner and bridge between your differences.

Do you struggle as a couple with resistance to receive ´ the good things´from each other, such as love, kindness and care? The psychologist helps each of you equally to be more receptive to new and potentially positive and corrective experiences in therapy. Helping each individual to become more receptive to the “good” that each of you has to give is important. Psychotherapy research shows that having the capacity to receive, also in a therapy setting, is important for making progress in therapy.  Research shows that the main reason for couples not having progress not only in therapy but also, in general, is that one develops some kind of resistance to being receptive to not only love but compliments, positive inputs and experiences such as unconditional acceptance and appreciation.

Above all, our goal is to create a space as well as a safe and trustworthy environment where it is felt safe and even comfortable talking about difficult things and problems.
Our overall goal is to offer our professionalism, expertise and experience so that you can improve communication between you and restore confidence to each other as a pair and, not least, help create common new visions and goals together for the future.

Take the first step and invest in each other and the future with our help. We know what it’s like to feel like you’re in the middle of a crisis and it feels like everything you’ve built together just collapses. Therefore, we offer couples who need help and support in the hardest time fast hour without waiting!